My heart ached today when a technician at the hospital told me she would force her teenage daughter to have an abortion if she got pregnant. I told her she had no idea the guilt and pain a post-abortal woman experiences. She didn't seem to care. Her grandchild would be thrown away as an inconvenience instead of a beautiful creation of God.
I have lived it...the crushing pain, the feeling that I could never forgive myself let alone know God's forgiveness, the sense of failure, the ache when around babies, the certainty that I was completely, utterly flawed to the depths of my being.
You see, I aborted my only child. I wasn't a kid. I understood the finality of my choice but I made it anyway. I was so lost. So vulnerable. So very alone. When I first discovered I was pregnant, I held a glimmer of hope...that the father would do the right thing, that there was some way to have our child. That hope was crushed, obliterated by reason instead of love.
Mercifully, God reached out - as only He can - with mercy, grace and love I couldn't have imagined. He touched and healed my wounded heart several years ago and continues to minister to me as I am walking through a new season of grief.
Now that I am at the threshold of menopause, I mourn never having a biological child. Never feeling movement inside me. Never hearing that first cry. Never seeing them for the very first time. Never counting their toes and fingers. Never holding them. Never kissing them. Never telling them "I loved you". Never hearing them laugh. Never seeing them smile. Never watching them grow and learn. Never....
I crawl up in the lap and lay me head on the chest of the One who loves me like no other, my Daddy God. He has made a way for me. He sent His Son to die for me, to provide for my redemption and resurrection. He embraces me with a love of such intensity it is difficult to put words to it. I'm flawed and yet He loves me. Nothing I can do will remove His love from me. "But the steadfast love of the LORD is from everlasting to everlasting..." Psalm 103:17
2 Corinthians 12:9 penetrates my heart and provides hope. "My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness." Yes, He has proven and proven and proven His grace is sufficient. No matter the situation, His grace is sufficient!
Our pastor recently shared how God meets us in our flaws and issues, applies the blood of His Son, Jesus, and provides us with all the grace we need. And it is from those places that He gives us the honor and privilege to minister to others, to be living testimonies of all He has done and all that He is. The glory is His! All His!
I feel such a debt of gratitude. Not only have I been released from the punishing accusations from the enemy, but I also feel God's comfort and encouragement as I mourn. He has done so very much for me. If I look back, I can see His hand on me, guiding me, teaching me, loving me throughout my life. I love Him so!
Now it is time to give back, to fulfill His plans for me. That excites me!It is in Him I "live and move and have my being", Acts 17:28. Hallelujah!
