Confession of Weakness

I think we all reach an age where we reminisce about days gone by and experiences we once had. I was hit with that again today as I watched someone banging away on an old typewriter on television.

When I was in college and grad school, the Internet didn’t exist. I spent many hours in the library pouring through professional journals and searching through microfiche. How dizzying it was to move from article to article on the microfiche reader. And then there were my typewriters along the way: nonelectric, electric, electronic. It’s a wonder I didn’t suffer from carpal tunnel syndrome!

I finally purchased my first computer when I was writing my Masters’ thesis. It was little more than a word processor. Oh the hours I spent in front of that green screen after work each day. It’s a good thing I was much younger. I doubt I could survive the hours I put in leading up to defending my thesis and the binding of the final product if it were happening today.

I only spent a year in the classroom but it took me six years plus an extension to complete my degree. I got hung up on the writing. It was ironic when my thesis advisor told me I was a good writer. How could I possibly be good at something that was so inexpressibly difficult for me?

I didn’t have the self confidence to believe I had anything original to contribute. Every word brought anguish and vulnerability. I could write in journals with ease because I knew no one else would ever peruse those pages. Putting words on paper for someone to read and evaluate - much less grade - made me feel exposed. While I could probably track down the reasons why I felt so defenseless, I don’t think it would serve any purpose.

Even now, I feel vulnerable when I put something on my blog or share something I’ve written with a friend. I don’t think anything makes me feel so at risk. But I persist because I know I am meant to, it is part of my purpose.

How many of us feel unbelievably exposed in doing the very thing we were created to do? It is then we must to rely on the Spirit of the Living God to carry us. We were never intended to do it on our own. Our giftings are an expression of our Heavenly Father, to be used to glorify Him.

While the physical act of typing is a breeze compared to years gone by, baring my heart isn’t. I’ve gotten better but there still remains much room for improvement. Three times the Apostle Paul entreated the Lord to remove the thorn in his flesh. God’s response and Paul’s conclusion apply to all of us, “But He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” 2 Corinthians 12:9

Yes, Lord, your grace is sufficient.

Treasures

A huge flock of blackbirds descended on our lawn and the corn fields surrounding our knoll this morning. I observed them as they worked their way across the lawn. One in particular amused me. It picked up a kernel of corn, hopped a couple of inches, dropped its treasure to gobble up something else and then picked up the kernel again. That kernel was simply too big for that blackbird to eat…amusing but also food for this writer’s thoughts. (No pun intended!)

How many times do we “pick something up” because we’re sure it’s a treasure? We just have to have it. But we soon discover it simply does not hold the promise we had for it. We may not even be able to use it – it’s the wrong size, impractical, the timing isn’t right, out of style or it was more than we could reasonably afford. We polish it, protect it and cherish it at first but over time it loses its luster for us. We have to come to terms with the reality that it wasn’t a treasure after all, perhaps even an albatross around our necks.

We may have sacrificed for that treasure, scrimped and saved or went into debt for it. We have to ask ourselves: was that treasure an idol? Was it in our thoughts day and night before and after we possessed it? Did it become our focus? And how did we feel when we realized it was a mistake? Was there shame or a desire for a new treasure to consume us?

Trust me, I’ve been guilty of the treasure hunt, capture and ownership compulsion. In the end, I was left feeling hollow, empty from the experience. I was reminded of the verse “for where your treasure is, there your heart will be also”. I have to wonder how it made God feel. Some “thing” caught my eye and drew my focus from Him. He delights in me. I am apple of His eye yet I let some “thing” take my eyes off of Him. My focus was averted by something of no value for what can compare to His matchless love? Oh how He must grieve my diversions.

Time and time again I have gone to Him in confession of my wrongdoing. And time and time again He has welcomed me with open arms, forgiven my wanderings, and washed me white as snow. Oh the time I have wasted when I should have been seeking the kingdom of God and the treasures of heaven, not the treasures of the earth.

Back in the 70’s, when I was in junior high and high school, a house church met in my childhood home. Many of the praise songs we sang were right out of scripture, accompanied by guitar and tambourine. One of my favorites was from Matthew 6:33 “Seek ye first the kingdom of God, and His righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you. Hallelu, hallelujah!”

The passage in Matthew 6 is a great reminder to me and all of us.

"Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal, but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.”

“The eye is the lamp of the body. So, if your eye is healthy, your whole body will be full of light, but if your eye is bad, your whole body will be full of darkness. If then the light in you is darkness, how great is the darkness!”

"No one can serve two masters, for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and money.”

"Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not be anxious, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.”

"Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.” Matthew 6:19-34 ESV

I’ve seen with my own eyes how my heavenly Father feeds the birds of the air and clothes the lilies of the field. I can trust Him in all things.

I am imploring God to remind me the next time my eyes stray to earthly treasures. He has and will bless me with all I need. No more wasting time and energy (and money!) focusing on treasures that may only provide temporary satisfaction here on earth when I can be laying up treasures in heaven instead!

Thank you for the blackbirds this morning, Lord. They were just what I needed.

© lclamb 06Feb2012

Past vs. Present

© Linda Lamb 11.29.02

Did I take a wrong turn?

Did I step off the path?

Did I slip into a ravine?

Did I fall down a hill?

Did I hide behind a tree in fear?

Did I duck behind a rock in shame?

Did I forget who You are?

Did I forget all You’ve given me?

Did I lose sight of Your mercy and protection?

Did I try to make sense of something that makes no sense?

Did I try to understand that which I cannot comprehend?

Did I try to do it myself?

Did I turn my back on You?

Did I ignore Your Spirit?

Did I lose sight of You?

Did I seek Your face?

Did I seek Your forgiveness?

Did I worship You?

Did I praise You?

Did I thank You?

Did I? Did I? Did I? More importantly, what am I doing right now?

Am I living in the Spirit?

Am I content with who I am, the me You created me to be?

Am I trusting You in all things?

Am I dependent on You and not myself or others?

Am I drawing my strength from You?

Am I guarding my heart and mind?

Am I learning from your discipline and teachings?

Am I sharing my story with others?

Am I living my life to please You and only You?

Am I worshipping, praising and thanking You in all things?

Am I loving You with all my heart, with all my soul, with all my strength, with all my mind? (Luke 10:27)

To live a life of thanksgiving

My ancestors were Puritans. They took an incredible risk to journey to new a beginning, to make a fresh start.

I am humbled just thinking about their trip across the ocean in conditions I would find deplorable.

Their eyes were on what lay ahead rather than focusing on their discomfort.

Once they arrived, they built their homes, planted gardens and began scratching out a life filled with hardship and loss.

Reusing and repurposing were a way-of-life not a matter of choice.

They were resilient and resourceful.

They learned to do without.

They knew disappointment but they also knew accomplishment.

Reliance on God got them through each day and on to the next.

They trusted.

They prayed.

They worshiped and praised.

They knew gratitude.

They lived lives of thanksgiving.

May I learn from their example.

The Right Path or String Dancing?

I stepped out of the bathroom this morning and to my surprise saw a tiny string going in both directions: into Larry's study and around the corner into the kitchen. (To be honest, with four cats, nothing really comes as a surprise! =^..^=)

I followed the string into the kitchen and had to laugh. There was a maze of string under the table and around the chair legs...a spider would have been proud! The "string dance" (not to be confused with String Theory!)appears to have originated in the living room. It then proceeded into the kitchen with much flourish under and around the table (I do not recall dancing having occurred there before - my cooking must be lacking! Ha!Ha!). The dance continued across the kitchen, around the corner, down the hall and concluded in the study. Our little Isabel turned one this week and I suspect the little stinker helped herself to a small ball of floss I had sitting on my needlework table. It was the purrfect size for a kitty or kitties as I'm sure her brothers joined in! Let the dance begin!

This reminded me of how we so often take what we think is the right path only to discover down the road a piece that it was not. The kitties eventually ran out of string and were left with a mess. The dance was over.

Do we remember to seek God before heading down a path? Or do we think He will support our decision, no matter what it is? (Arrogant, yes, but let's be honest, we've all done it.)

A friend recently shared the challenge of caring for her elderly mother. The daily grind of sharing a home and tending to her mother's needs was taking a toll on her. She had lost her joy along the way. One day, as she was crying out to God, she heard His still, small voice inquiring, "Did you ask me what I wanted?" Gulp! She had to admit she hadn't asked Him. Yes, her mother's care was important but perhaps it was not for her to do. She is now seeking His will in regards to her mother and she has far greater peace. Her joy is coming back, too. Hallelujah!

Only God knows what His plans and purposes are for each of our lives. Only He knows the timing. Only He knows what is the right path we should follow. Wisdom would be to ask Him and follow His lead, right?

I have to admit I've spent too much of my life following what looked like the right path to me only to discover it brought heartache or discouragement or confusion or, worse yet, distance from God. Just like my kitties, I can get excited about what something looks like and follow it. If I were to look at all the wrong paths I have taken, it would look a lot like that maze of string our kitties created as they chased that little ball of floss. I've done my share of string dancing!

I am so grateful for God's grace. He can take our messes and use them to His glory. I have to remember it is not about my past, it's about today and all the days that follow. I choose Him! I choose to seek His face. I choose to seek His wisdom. I choose to ask Him before I head down a path. I choose to use the discernment He has placed within me through His Holy Spirit. Yes, there will be dancing minus the string to tangle me up!

There is clarity is simplicity. We humans try to make things so hard - and we accomplish it quite successfully! It really is quite simple. "I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me." Galatians 2:20 ESV

It's not my life! It's His! Pretty simple when you look at it like that, huh? Simple but not necessarily easy. You see, I choose to die to my flesh,"to put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness." Acts 4:22-24 ESV

"For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain." Philippians 1:21 ESV Dying to self is not a one-time thing. It is daily or hourly or even minute-by-minute. I pray I recognize those times when I am living through my flesh and not my spirit (where the Holy Spirit resides). In the recognition, change can and will occur by God's grace. No more string dancing for me.

Thank you, Lord! With Your guidance, Your wisdom, Your revelation, Your knowledge, Your strength, and Your perseverance, I can run the race set before me. You know the right path....

Obedience

Do you ever feel overwhelmed by the things God has called you to? Do you feel inadequate and completely unprepared for the very things that you know He created you to fulfill? Trust me, you are not alone!

He built us to draw on His strength, His wisdom and His knowledge so He can work through us. How many times have we done things in our own strength, our own timing, our own wisdom only to find ourselves with one heck of a mess in the end? A mess we usually turn to God, crying "Help!"

I've realized how arrogant I've been. God has all the knowledge, all the resources and all wisdom. He's proven His trustworthiness. When I meditate on that, everything comes into proper perspective. I'm brought to my knees in repentance. It is wonderful to be loved so completely, to have my foolishness forgiven...again.

God is teaching me to wait on Him and His timing. Nothing like crucifying my flesh! I can practically smell it! It's seems so unnatural to wait. My soul (my mind, will and emotions) doesn't like to wait. My spirit - where the Holy Spirit resides - insists on my being in synch with God.

In my lifetime, I have learned I cannot trust my emotions. They are real to me, based on my perspective and experiences. But they can be distorted by stinkin' thinkin', the enemy's influence, old tapes that run through my head, and my desires.

I can also be as willful as a child at times. God knows I've thrown a few tantrums with Him. I've often wondered if He finds it slightly amusing or just downright sad. Pathetic anyway. He's always right, always faithful, always trustworthy.

My goal is to get to the place where my spirit consistently rules my soul. Living with my spirit in the driver's seat, I will rely on the Lord at all times and in all things. I won't question doing what He is calling me to do. I won't question His timing. I won't fear the unknown. I will trust and obey (funny, now I have an old hymn running through my head!). All my confidence will be in Him. All my desires will be His desires. All that I will say and do will be for and about Him.

He has given us the best foundation: the Holy Bible, His Word. I intend to live it not just pay it lip service. Now is the time!

Life As I've Known It

My heart ached today when a technician at the hospital told me she would force her teenage daughter to have an abortion if she got pregnant. I told her she had no idea the guilt and pain a post-abortal woman experiences. She didn't seem to care. Her grandchild would be thrown away as an inconvenience instead of a beautiful creation of God.

I have lived it...the crushing pain, the feeling that I could never forgive myself let alone know God's forgiveness, the sense of failure, the ache when around babies, the certainty that I was completely, utterly flawed to the depths of my being.

You see, I aborted my only child. I wasn't a kid. I understood the finality of my choice but I made it anyway. I was so lost. So vulnerable. So very alone. When I first discovered I was pregnant, I held a glimmer of hope...that the father would do the right thing, that there was some way to have our child. That hope was crushed, obliterated by reason instead of love.

Mercifully, God reached out - as only He can - with mercy, grace and love I couldn't have imagined. He touched and healed my wounded heart several years ago and continues to minister to me as I am walking through a new season of grief.

Now that I am at the threshold of menopause, I mourn never having a biological child. Never feeling movement inside me. Never hearing that first cry. Never seeing them for the very first time. Never counting their toes and fingers. Never holding them. Never kissing them. Never telling them "I loved you". Never hearing them laugh. Never seeing them smile. Never watching them grow and learn. Never....

I crawl up in the lap and lay me head on the chest of the One who loves me like no other, my Daddy God. He has made a way for me. He sent His Son to die for me, to provide for my redemption and resurrection. He embraces me with a love of such intensity it is difficult to put words to it. I'm flawed and yet He loves me. Nothing I can do will remove His love from me. "But the steadfast love of the LORD is from everlasting to everlasting..." Psalm 103:17

2 Corinthians 12:9 penetrates my heart and provides hope. "My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness." Yes, He has proven and proven and proven His grace is sufficient. No matter the situation, His grace is sufficient!

Our pastor recently shared how God meets us in our flaws and issues, applies the blood of His Son, Jesus, and provides us with all the grace we need. And it is from those places that He gives us the honor and privilege to minister to others, to be living testimonies of all He has done and all that He is. The glory is His! All His!

I feel such a debt of gratitude. Not only have I been released from the punishing accusations from the enemy, but I also feel God's comfort and encouragement as I mourn. He has done so very much for me. If I look back, I can see His hand on me, guiding me, teaching me, loving me throughout my life. I love Him so!

Now it is time to give back, to fulfill His plans for me. That excites me!It is in Him I "live and move and have my being", Acts 17:28. Hallelujah!