Spare Me The Mall

It's funny how our interests, priorities and desires change.

I used to love going to the mall. Not any more. I can honestly say I haven't been in a mall in years. Personally, I would rather have a tooth pulled!

I much prefer shopping online and paying for shipping.

Spare me the window displays designed to shame you into realizing your wardrobe is sorely lacking or cause any parent or grandparent to cover the eyes of the young ones in tow.

Spare me the food court that smells so tempting you resemble the old commercial of the dog being carried along on a wave of aroma until he reaches his culinary delight. Have I ever found healthy, organic choices in a food court? Never.

Spare me the young people just milling around with nothing better to do than hang out, gossip, bully and make inappropriate comments to members of the opposite sex. Get a job! Find a life! Go to church! I know a few farmers who would be happy to put you to work shoveling you know what. (I'm in a sassy mood today, can't you tell?)

Spare me fighting for my space. A mall during Christmas shopping season has the appeal of a ripe banana that has been run over by a manure spreader.

Spare me claustrophobic changing rooms that are meant for a pre-teen, not a plus-sized middle-ager.

Spare me scantily clad women who put their breasts on display for all to see. My breasts belong to my husband. If they are in the least bit visible, it is a clothing malfunction. (If you see the girls are a peekin', for goodness sake, tell me!) Keep your breasts to yourselves, ladies, for all of our sakes.

Spare me trying to find my car in the super-sized, vehicle-filled mall parking lots. My first car was a bright yellow VW Beetle. Back in the late 70's and early 80's I could always find my cheery little car in a mall parking lot. Those days are long gone!

Spare me the little kids who have received so much sensory overload they have morphed into screaming, pleading, tormenting little creatures who make you want to use duct tape in some very creative ways.

Spare me the frazzled moms and dads who thought a trip to the mall would be a fun outing with the kids but they have reached a point of saturation where they can no longer function. You can see it in their eyes. They've become pod people.

Spare me the traffic around the mall, any mall. And the drivers! Does something come over people so they suddenly forget any driving skills they had once had? And all courtesy goes right out the window! 

Enjoy the mall, if that's your thing. But please, spare me. I'll be at home. Cozy and happy.