I refuse to use the word "fat". I was once called a "fat b**ch by total strangers - ugly, hurtful words. (And I weighed a lot less than I do now. Insert emoticon here!)
I hate having my picture taken. I hate shopping even more. If you would like to experience a new brand of frustration, try being plus-sized and needing at least a 33 inch inseam! "High water" pants? Not I!
I'm ashamed of how I look. I feel even more shame as strangers look at me, either dismissing me or in disgust. My personality has always been my winning feature but, trapped in this body, there is little opportunity to shine.
I know the emotional reasons for my weight gain. (See my last post.) I am free of much of the bondage that brought me to this place, my body just does not reflect it. Time for a reality check.
Things went a little lopsided this past Fall. Lots of sugar. All the time. I should have thrown all those leftover cupcakes away but no, I ate most of them. Dang, they were good!
I'd been able to get away with my sugar kinship for a long time without my clothes getting too tight or gaining a lot of weight. I'd been the same size for years. Until a few months ago. Things didn't fit. The scale was reflecting it. I felt huge and ugly. Ya gotta love menopause - and bad habits! The combo of the two is deadly!
My blood glucose levels were out of whack. It didn't seem to matter what I did, I couldn't bring my numbers down. Even on days when I was a good girl, my numbers were way too high. So why bother? Let's eat more sugar!
And my blood pressure was all over the map. I had been to the ER twice in December due to migraines and blood pressure so high my family practitioner sent me across the street to the hospital without even seeing me.
I was admitted for observation on one of those trips. I endured a battery of tests and a miserable night with my tobacco chewing - and spitting! - roommate but my heart was fine. Thank you, Jesus! (They didn't receive a very favorable review from me. They left a nitro patch on my chest for 24 hours. And my husband was the one who discovered it was still there! He was none too pleased that I had endured a migraine like no other for hours upon hours. But I digress.)
Between my blood glucose and my blood pressure, I got scared. I needed to do something. I hadn't fulfilled my God-given purpose. I had things I needed to do (like writing!), places I needed to go, lives I needed to touch.
A few years ago, an osteopath recommended a weight loss plan I had done years before. "Several of my patients have been successful with it." Been there, done that.
My current family practitioner told me, "You've got to get serious about losing some weight." Duh. I knew that but something was holding me back from walking across the threshold to freedom from my excess baggage.
Dietitians and nurses encouraged me to lose weight. They could smile like crazy and say nice things but I had to be r-e-a-d-y. And I wasn't.
A cousin who had lost over 100 pounds after gastric bypass asked me it I had ever considered that route. No, no I hadn't. And I wouldn't.
Chiropractors told me to read this book and that book. I don't think so.
I thought about my options, "weighed" them even. I dismissed many as too expensive or too drastic.
I made excuses. Until I just couldn't excuse my size and all the challenges that accompanied it anymore. I had to do something before my health deteriorated further requiring even more meds, and - horror of horrors! - I had to go shopping to buy the next size larger.
I checked out weightwatchers.com. Hmm. Interesting. Intriguing. Price is right. Tools are genius. Let's give this a try.
The first two weeks were great. Ten pounds gone. I wasn't eating twigs and berries, either. It was real food. Actually whatever I wanted as long as I tracked it and didn't exceed the points I was allowed.
Then on week three, no weight loss. I got out the tape measure. The numbers were surprisingly satisfying. O.K. At least something was happening.
I declared we needed to buy a new digital scale. So we did. And it weighs heavier - even heavier than the professional doctor's scale Larry uses fully clothed at work. Gulp. As a fifty-three year old woman, I wanted to have a tantrum. A real one. You know, the kind where a child falls to the floor kicking and screaming, pounding the floor with their fists. Yep, that kind of tantrum.
But I was honest and put the "new" weight on my tracking tool. And my line took a spike upwards. Dislike! I stuck with the plan but I was feeling down and discouraged. My old habits are screaming for recognition, attention, and indulgence.
The voice of temptation was so loud, so real. "Your diet isn't working so...E-A-T me! You know you want to...come on...ooo, I've got you thinking about it. You know I'm here. That bright blue bag of mini M&M's you've got in the cupboard for baking. Think of all the pretty colors and chocolate...you know how much you love chocolate. I'm here, in the middle cupboard. Second shelf. Bright blue bag. You can't miss me. Come get me. You won't regret it." I ate a few not the whole bag. And I accounted for every one.
And then....
As I was pulling my jeans out of the clean laundry this morning, I sputtered about how they would fit. I hadn't worn them in over a week and they had been snug then. One leg in. Two legs in. And then the test. Over my backside with ease. Hmm. Now to button them. Holy cow! They buttoned without requiring brute force, actually no force at all. Victory! :)
The look on my face clearly amused my husband. Even his eyes smiled as he said "See. I told you it was working. Stick with it. I am so proud of you!" Thanks for believing in me, wonderful husband of mine.
I've felt trapped in my plus-sized body for years. There is a thinner me just screaming to be released. I get glimpses of her. My husband has seen her all along. Sweet man!
I am going to relish the little victories as I walk down this road to better health and freedom from this shell that isn't the real me.
Oh, and if you're wondering about my blood glucose and blood pressure readings, they are astonishingly good! Whoop! Whoop!
Jesus makes all things new. (Rev 21:5 ESV) Hallelujah! Thank you, Jesus! I need this old wineskin to be shed so new wine can be put into a fresh wineskin. (Luke 5:38 ESV) An odd word picture perhaps but some of you will understand.
I encourage you to look for the small victories in your life and praise God for them. Let them propel you forward as you keep your eyes fixed on Him.
*Philippians 4:13 (ESV) "I can do all things through Him who strengthens me."
*Romans 8:28 (KJV) "And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to His purpose." (Especially for those days when I want to berate myself for ever getting to this size.)
*Mark 10:27b (ESV) "For all things are possible with God."
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